FM: Please come in, sit down and make yourself comfortable. NOT THAT COMFORTABLE
SAF: I bet you are going to ask me how I am feeling aren't you? If you do it means that you have no respect for me.
FM: How are you feeling today?
SAF: Oh Christ. I am feeling awful. I am sad and tired. I feel terrified.
FM: What makes today special?
SAF: Barack Obama. He is the most special guy around and he makes me feel great. He is the only good thing in my life.
FM: Care for a dance?
SAF: Absolutely not. I hate dancing.
Oh go on then. A quick dance. And by dance I mean sex. And by sex I mean give me forty pounds. And by forty pounds I mean kill me.
FM: I'm sensing you’re in a good mood today, excellent. Tell me your dream . . .
SAF: My dream is that I am slowly but surely becoming a slightly better person. I am being controlled by things other than myself and those things are making me feel better. I rub myself with lard and relax.
FM: Talking of dreams, who is your dream date?
SAF: My dream date is anyone who will let me kiss them.
FM: If you and I were going on a date where would you take me?
SAF: I would let you take me somewhere I think. If you forced me to think of somewhere that I had to take you to I think I would take you to an oriental all you can eat buffet and would eat solidly for half an hour before making my excuses and leaving.
FM: That would be alright I suppose, I mean it would be really awkward but at least we'd get a good meal, that bit would be alright - I guess if we didn't refer to it as a 'date' then it would be better.
If you bought me a drink whilst we were out, what drink would you buy me, and why?
SAF: I would buy you a delicious cocktail. I would buy you a wonderful, flowing, beautifully mixed cocktail with all sorts of pungent and powerful liquors within.
FM: And how would you dispose of my body afterwards?
SAF: I would roast it with a bouquet garni and then feed it to my pet snail.
FM: I feel honoured. Are you having a good time, are you enjoying being interviewed?
SAF: It's the best thing that has happened to me today. It feels like I am being probed pretty hard. It feels good. Are you enjoying interviewing me?
FM: I am enjoying the interview immensely, it is also the best thing that has happened to me today and I've been to the pub.
Using the ‘paint’ application quickly draw the first thing that comes into your mind
SAF:
'Chris'
'Snail'
'Abe'
FM: You are a gifted artist, my favourite is the one called 'Chris'. Is this a portrait of someone called Chris or an imagined Chris?
I assume the snail is your pet snail, who is Abe?
SAF: Thanks. Chris is someone I know. Abe is a monster. The snail is what I wish my pet snail looked like. Abe stalks me in my nightmares.
FM: I can see you have strong, confusing feelings for this Chris (Killen?) character, and by the looks of things he is a bit of a catch.
Abe seems pretty cool.
SAF: It's not Chris Killen - it's another Chris I know. He is a serious catch. Abe is very terrifying.
FM: Cadburys has just released their cheapest chocolate bar to date: the Credit Crunchie. How has the credit crunch affected you?
SAF: I have been totally unaffected by the credit crunch except for the irritation the constant news about it has caused me.
FM: Can you share with me some of your credit crunching tips?
SAF: My best tip to be unaffected by the credit crunch is to completely ignore it.
