Monday, 18 February 2008

How can I be ill, again?

I feel like my head has been crushed in a vice, inflated to twice it’s normal size and used as a football in a particularly violent game. I think my eyes have been punched in by an angry middleweight boxer then plucked from my skull and dipped in vinegar. It feels like a dirty rag has been stuffed into my mouth and down my throat. It’s like sawdust has been forced up my nose and rubbed into my punched-in, vinegar soaked eyes.

Every time I sneeze another bone shatters or dislocates. My vertebrae are all out of line, every disk feels slipped, It feels like I’ve been pushed from a moving car then beaten up, frog marched up ten flights of stairs then pushed down them. My ears are so blocked I can’t hear a thing, as if knitting needles have been slowly forced through the drum. When I try and drink some water it’s like swallowing metal filings and glass, that have somehow caught fire.

Apart from that everything is pretty good.


Socrates Adams-Florou said...

My goodness you do get into a pickle. You must drive your mother insane. Tell me about your mother.

Frank Morgan said...

You sound like my psychiatrist, he always wants to know about my mother. He's always getting me to describe what she's wearing etc

apants said...

I think you have cancer of the anal canal. or Gayds. Or you caught the diabetes off of me.

apants said...

I hate you for never writing anything. Hate is a very strong word. That's why I used it.